www.neitherland.com - old Rants 1999

September 3, 1999
Smoking is one of few issues I have an extreme unshakable position on. Don't even bother arguing with me, I don't give a shit about your side or your reasons for smoking and I'm certainly not going to suddenly accept it. I'm 100% against it, I wish it was illegal. I'm not too fond of alcohol, and I believe any mind altering substance should be done in moderation, perhaps if they were done in moderation, one cigarette a week(ha, yeah right.. addiction is inevitable), they'd even be ok. They disgust me, as do the people who are for "smoker's rights". I've heard all the arguments: "It's my right to kill myself," "We're all going to die one day." Whatever, you'll wish someone put a bullet through your head when you get lung cancer and have to go through chemotherapy and a slow painful death. You, your breath, your car, your hair, your clothes, and your furniture smell disgusting your teeth are yellow, you have to live your life around where and when you can pick up the next pack of smokes, you're broke and bitch and whine how you can't afford food yet you always have a cigarette in hand. OOoooo, that 2 second rush, high, whatever it is is *so* worth that. Your children and pets are forced to breath your smoke and probably have lungs as black as yours, hope you're glad you gave the gift of cancer. You're a fucking idiot. Anyone who smokes is a FUCKING IDIOT! I am unfortunate enough to be allergic and extremely sensitive to cig smoke, I don't drink (well.. once every 4 months maybe) and yet when I go to a bar or club I have a hangover the next day from all the smoke I've been forced to breath. "Then why don't you stay the fuck home?" Why don't YOU stay the fuck home, give yourself cancer, I'd rather not die a slow painful death from YOUR DISGUSTING STUPID habit just because I want to go out and dance and see bands and see some friends. I'd rather not have my clothes or my skin burned from your cigarettes because you have to stagger around drunk in a crowded club with a lit ciggarette in your hand. Oh, and that hacking cough you have every morning is SO attractive, and I love that ashtray taste when I kiss you. NOT! So I get to watch my friends go outside every half hour or more when visiting my house to puff away, thinking sadly that if I still talk to them over the next 50 years I will probably have to watch them suffer and be sick and die painful deaths.

July 24, 1999
On a much kinder note: A month ago I took in a ferret who needed a home. She was a spur of the moment compulsive decision, but a damn good one. She's so adorable, aside from biting my feet when she wants to play. I have had cats all my life, and horses, guinea pigs, chameleons and a fish here and there when I was little. Ferrets were never a consideration, not for any real reason, when I was younger my parents had no interest in them (plus we had 2-3 cats at one time all my life), and then when I was older I was under the impression they smelled, but that was mostly because the young adults who I knew that had them as pets failed to bathe them and keep their cages properly cleaned. They do have a bit of a musky odor(even after descenting), but it's not unbearable if you clean them regularly. I love my ferret, her name is Leanan Sidhe, after the vampire faerie. She's my only pet right now, and although she doesn't seem miserable, I have the feeling she'd be happier with a buddy, so I am going to very soon adopt another one. She was raised with 2 others, and the other pair was taken before I went to go see her. I'll put some pictures up eventually.. I do have my web cam working now too, just have to find decent software for instant uploading.

July 18, 1999
Warning: this is a harsh extra nasty one.
Know what I have to say? FUCK JFK JUNIOR! Fuck Princess Diana, fuck all these celebraties everyone worships and drools over and acts like it's such a horrible tragedy when they die an untimely death. Do you think John John would give a fuck if YOU died??? NO NO NO NO FUCKING WAY he's too busy flying airplanes and spending family money and partying. America is full of MORONS. With all the money you ass holes are wasting on flowers and yellow ribbons and candles for shrines you could cure cancer or just donate the damn money to an animal shelter. I'm not a cold uncaring bitch, him, his wife and sister-in-law are most likely dead, sorry to hear it as when anyone dies, but MY LIFE GOES ON THE SAME AS ALWAYS! People die.. it's part of the cycle. We don't need ALL FUCKING DAY TV coverage! I cannot wait for Monday so I can hear Howard Stern's take on this, which will be much the same as mine. In fact, just recently he was ragging on JFK Jr.

Colorado, Trench coats, & Witch Hunts

Pardon if this goes off topic some, but I really think all of this does apply to what happened.
I desire to voice myself on this tragedy. I feel a little stressed for high school aged "goths" (or any punk/alternate dark culture youths) right now... similar to the feeling most of us have for families of young adults who died in this awful event. Teachers and school "counselors" are now lashing out and making them feel it's their fault and they are freaks and something must be wrong with them... when all they are doing is expressing themselves. I'm disgusted with the blame placed on the dark, gothic, wicca, mystical, cultures for this event. Wiccans respect all life, more then most Christians. The crowd that I socialize with when I choose to venture out is considered dark, gothic, fetish, vampire. I've been to all the dark clubs from Philly to NJ to NYC and some scattered around the country. I have known hundreds of "goths". Personally, I don't know any who are killers. Perhaps some are, but then, most serial killers seem like perfectly normal people. So now Trench coats and dark clothing is being banned from some schools. I laugh at this. When did conformity ever do anything good? How may catholic school girls ended up to be sluts? (just about every one I knew in college who was a former one). Witch hunt. That is what this is. Those 2 dead boys who did the killing were not gothic. They were most likely "industrial-nazi-rivetheads" as we call them. They listen to a lot of industrial music, music that a lot of people like to "mosh" to. Please do not misread my point here!!! I am in no way saying industrial music is bad. Most of it is about pain, torment, speaking out and acting out, not being oppressed, but not violently. It's about inner strength, at least I interpret it this way. I do in fact listen to some of the music those boys did, in fact, KMFDM (the band who's song's lyrics were on one of their web pages) has been a long time favorite of mine. I'm 26 years old now, I was always "freaky", never fit in, except with some other freaks I've met along the way, I was teased when I was younger, yes, I do wear a trench coat quite often, 96% of my clothes are black, wear black lipstick, black eyeliner, hair dyed black, black nail polish, fishnet stockings, play with toy laser guns that make noise and flash pretty colors, I own Marilyn Manson CDs, I watch violent movies, I have a zillion dark violent action figures, smutty and violent themed comic books, black sheets on my bed, black towels, I don't really like being around a lot of people, and the list goes on... LOOK AT ME! I am PERFECTLY FINE! I have never killed anyone, or even hurt anyone knowingly. I was in 4-H for 9 years of my life, till I was 20, working with kids younger then me. I continue now to be a "big sister" to several young gothy type kids. I have made differences in the lives of many young adults who never fit in, who are and were freaks. By encouraging them to be who they really are, never to suppress their creativity, that it's ok to be different, when they are older and able to move around more they will find their "family of freaks". Several of these children no longer are suicidal after having me to talk to, they were so relieved to know an adult (I still feel freaking weird being called that) who didn't tell them they should be more normal, at 14, 15, 16, they didn't know any existed who would ever say that. When their parents don't understand, I do. Many of us won't talk to press because our words will always be twisted. They want the ratings, they won't tell the plain old truth that many of us function as normal human beings under all those piercings, hair dye, latex, and makeup. I go to work in an office 5 days a week from 9-5. I make web pages for a living, and a pretty good one at that, I'm almost never short on money, I can pay all my bills, I can take my slacker boyfriends out to dinner and clubs, I hardly ever drink or do any type of drugs, caffeine included, I despise cigarette smoke, I bake cookies, I make little crafty things... etc. My point: Leave the kids alone, you can't force things on them, you'll only make them worse. Tell your own bratty, spoiled, popular children to lay off the "freaks", not because they will all turn and kill, but because it hurts and we all react differently to the pain. What about the "jocks" who beat up unpopular "losers"? Why don't you ban them from school.. oh right, they make the sports teams win so the school looks good.

"It's so easy when you're evil, this is the life you see, the devil tips his hat to me.." - Voltaire

"Where there's a boy to give his heart, there's a woman to tear it apart..." - Inkubus Sukkubus

Full moon, time of power for me. You know, I never knew how much fun it could be to utilize my inborn vixen-heartbreaking ability. They flock, I lead them to think I am crazy about them, they are so special, they call me and call me, then I grow bored with entertaining them and viola, done. It's fucking cool to be on the other side of the fence for once.

March 30, 1999
I have everything right now. I have some great friends, I love my genetic family, I just got a brand new truck, getting a huge tax refund this year, job's going well, I love the house I live in, I'm awakening a lot spiritually.. yet I'm miserable, depressed. I feel so distant from the world and everyone in it, like if I reached out I couldn't touch anyone, my hand would go through them. I know people are there, but I can't talk, my language isn't understood.
Few things devistate me, a breakup with someone I truly am in Love with is one. I don't want any of these things without someone to share them with. I want to back uptime and freeze it before it ended, over 2 months ago, when I was so happy, for the first time in years, truly happy. Perhaps this is a little personal for this page.

February 7, 1999
This has long been one of my favorite songs. It's by Björk, from her album Homogenic. I always relate to her songs, this one has fit in my life enough, and I couldn't express my current feelings any better.

you think you're denying me of something
well, i've got plenty
you're the one who's missing out
but you won't notice
until after five years
if you'll live that long
you'll wake up
all love - less

i dare you
to take me on
i dare you
to show me your palms
i'm so bored of cowards
who say what they want
then they can't handle
can't handle love

i dare you
to take me on
i dare you
to show me your palms
what's so scary?
not a threat in sight
you can't handle, you can't handle love

January 27, 1999
I Just came back from 10 days in New Orleans. I had the most amazing time of my life there, spiritually, physically, shoppingly! I don't have the time yet to write the proper account of my trip to NOLA, but trust me, when I do there will be a small novel in my travel logs section.

Rantings and Such 1999

Colorado, Trench coats, & Witch Hunts