Rantings 1998

rant archive

"Hit" - The Sugarcubes (starring Björk)

this wasn't supposed to happen

I was happy by myself

accidently you seduced me

I'm in love again

 

I lie in my bed, Totally still

my eyes wide open, I'm in rapture

I don't believe this, I'm in love again!

 

this wasn't supposed to happen

I've been hit with your charm

how could you do this to me?

I'm in love again

this wasn't supposed to happen!

 

I lie in my bed - totally still

my eyes wide open - I'm in rapture

you've put a seed inside me

and while you're away

it's growing silently

starts in my stomach

embraces my insides

and about to reach my heart

 

this wasn't supposed to happen!

this wasn't supposed to happen!

this really hurts!

December 30, 1998
The last rant of this year. I have met one of a rare breed. The Non Dumb Boy. It was as I imagined it would be if I ever did meet someone again who was worthy of me. I knew the second I saw him, and was doubly assured of it in the first 5 minutes of conversation. No, it's not silly, nieve, giddy, will-fade-in-a-day interest. It's something real, something with staying potential. After feeling so sure I would never find anyone close to my standards, and had even given up looking. I don't think I ever felt this way with any of my past loves, lusts, boyfriends, etc. We are so comfortable together, it's 100% mutual, it feels like we've been together for ages but we only met a few days ago.

November 8, 1998
So many people have come back from my past in recent days, it always happens in droves. Last week I got to hang out with NYC's own Gothfather Voltaire. He's a riot, full of radiating good energy.

October 12, 1998
Someone I've gotten close to recently has inspired me so much. Dead things are coming back. I almost feel alive sometimes. No, not love, but a friend. They are more important they loves anyway right?

In a dream he's still there. His great wings close around me to keep me warm and I feel safe with them around me, nothing can hurt me there. I open my eyes and look up into the one who bears the wings and know I'm one of the favorites. One that matters, not expendable, not only one of the favorites, but the favorite. He extends his hand and I take it with my own, slowly with an unsure expression on my face, but his counters it and sedates me. I'm standing close to him, he has his hand gently around the base of my neck and my head leans back and I feel the world's energies in my veins. Then I step away and I'm as strong as he is. My wings are thin and not quite clear, resembling dragonfly's wings in material. We're on the edge of a cliff and I close my eyes. The wind slowly flows through my hair and my long lacy dress waving in the wind. We are so free. We have everything. We are everything.
Reality. Well, lets just say that's not quite it.

October 6, 1998
Something made me open this page and type in today's date, then I went to write and nothing wanted to come out. I managed to reach an equalibriam today. I've found some things to keep me a little busy, and my mind off of those that drag me down.

How can you not pity someone who has pushed everyone away so hard, then is not pleased they can't get them back when they are needed again?

August 26, 1998
It's getting harder to hold back now. It's just not in my nature to give up on anything, especially what means the world.
Tomorrow night I start on a new adventure. Maybe it will just be games and nonsense, maybe it's just the way to fill voids in my life. Either way, it can force me into learnings and growing, while at the same time covering up for what's missing.

August 24, 1998
I've been studying the Tao lately. I never knew a thing about it before, but I think it's an amazing philosophy and way of life. So very simple, yet the way this country (I really can't speak for the world since I haven't even traveled out of the US or Canada.) has evolved it's takes so much effort to live simply. I highly recommend The Tao of Pooh (haven't gotten to the Te of Piglet yet, still rereading Pooh). It has had a huge impact on me in the short time I've been studying it, it has helped me to keep calm so many times that I may not have been. Of course, being a lowly human, I've still had a few episodes of raised blood pressure. It has allowed me to have more insight to myself, and realize ways I can be better.

August 21, 1998
Have you ever put so much effort into something, lets call it a "project", so much time, energy, everything and you just feel it's never going anywhere, maybe even you failed? Maybe it is that time to give up on it. I don't know that I can, despite what so many signs direct me to do. All my instincts, desires, passions always seem to send me in the wrong direction. Every choice is the wrong one. Every word is the wrong one. It's a type of project I've always been successful at before, never has one been such a labor in vain. This was the only one that mattered and the only nonfulfillment.

August 21, 1998
You know when you just have a bad feeling sometimes? That feeling of impending doom. Then you find out why you had that feeling. But then, was the feeling just general worrying and by feeding it I made it come true? Or is there really a thing called fate?

I have nothing to prove to anyone, I'm tired of trying to prove it. If the trust isn't there, then it's not and neither am I, especially when I've done nothing to deem me not trustworthy..

There are times when you just need to step back and not try, maybe this is the only way things will work themselves out.

August 9, 1998
I spent a long time outside today. Pretty damn amazing. Sitting on a bench under a tree in a park reading (The Tao of Pooh), facing a lake type body of water I realized how much I have been trapped on here for a long time. I used to spend tons of time outside before I discovered this thing. Started biking recently, which is how I got to the park, and I've been feeling a lot more at ease with my life. We are so stuck in our concrete cities and office buildings and artificially controlled shopping malls and homes that we don't even notice the beauty in something as simple as a flock of 20 geese gracefully landing on the lake simultaneously, seemingly in chaos, but as they skim the surface of the water they are nearly in a single file. Not to mention the way the ants walk back and forth along a tiny tiny dirt path a half inch wide they've made just for caring whatever it is in and out of the hill. This concludes today's presentation of national geographic parks. I think the only thing that could have made today's journey better was if I didn't go solo, but with someone who appreciated the little(and big)workings of nature also.

July 28, 1998
I need to be alone now for a long time. Oddly enough, I am usually miserable from being to alone. I have no desire to see another human. I'm even taking a trip to Salem soon, originally several others were possibly going, as I dislike traveling alone, but I made it clear to everyone that now it's just me now.
Someone I met recently is interested in me, but he's met me at the wrong time in my life and is only going to be hurt if he tries too hard to stay.
Someone I met a long time ago further confuses me every day. Sometimes I really think he just enjoys trying to be so mysterious and puzzling. I think he believes he knows all the answers, but he doesn't really. Not mine anyway.

July 24, 1998

you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter.....
you just didn't know me
- from Bjork's "Hunter" from the cd Homogenic.

It's such a challenge to move on sometimes, to cut off everything and everyone from where and what you are moving on from. Drop everything and get a whole new life. Evolving is a big part of life, growing, changing, searching, finding. I have found before, then there is so much more that stems from the "knowledge" you find, so the found feeling is lost. It never ends, that long winding staircase of life, you can never really see what is around the curve, but you run and you run. Or you just stop and rest, oblivious to the fact you are stuck, or others are running up past you. But they don't matter, surely they will be stuck at some point and you will catch up right? Take the initiative, just take it somewhere else because I've grown bored with you.

July 19, 1998
I'm feeling very hateful and depressed today, so stay away unless you really believe you are going to say something that will not make me want to start a fight with you.

June 28, 1998
I sense he doesn't thing I feel a thing, but I do. He won't listen to my words, so I won't waste them on him. I know, I tried, I can't get through his selfishness and misunderstandings. I notice everything, I see everything, my life will go on regardless.

May 9, 1998
"May the sun never blind your eyes... Let me sleep so the tears don't rise..." - Alice in Chains

April 24, 1998
Why am I so expected to go out all the time? Why is everyone? I *enjoy* being a loser and doing nothing. Well... nothing as in not going out everynight and intoxicating myself with poison aka. alcohol. Nothing as in staying home and reading books or messing around on the web or hanging out with one friend or working on my web page which is my zen rock garden. I don't enjoy going out all the time, I choose not to have a life. "Soy Un Perdidor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me." - Beck. Now that I ceased going out every weekend, I look forward much more to the few concerts and clubs I do go to. Everything in moderation. Haven't been out for a few months, till Tuesday when I got to see Diamanda Galas for the second time. As I suspected, her show was 10 times better at a tiny place like the Knitting Factory as opposed to Central Park. The show was much more intense in that intimate setting. I do have to wonder if Diamanda ever speaks. She doesn't say a word at her shows, just gets right to the singing. Then I found out last night that Kramer from Seinfeld was at that show!!!!!! I can't believe I missed him in such a tiny place, but then, I wasn't really looking or wandering around.. maybe he was in the balcony or something. (pout) Kramer is one of the Malkavian gods! It's all ok now though cause I got my Björk ticket yesterday! Yeah baby!!!! She is another of the Malkavian Gods. Sure she's cute as hell, but have you ever really really heard her lyrics? Especially Hyperballad. I have not seen her yet, she's one of the very few last of my favorite performers that I have never seen. I hope she does old stuff... I'm not all that into her latest CD.

March 17, 1998
I finally landed at the end of a path I've been heading down for 10 years now, since the idea was first suggested to me at summer camp when I was 14 - Vegetarian. My first attempt had good intentions, but it was ok to eat poultry and fish. What? Don't ask, I don't understand how anyone can call themselves vegetarian and still eat poultry and fish. I was young and stupid, and eventually got sick of eating high school pizza and fries and salad every day and went back to being a carnivore. Then in my jr year of college, Michelle , my roommate, turned vegan. Vegan means you eat nothing that came from an animal or caused an animal to be exploited in any way shape or form, even honey because they smoke the bees out of the hive to collect it. I wasn't vegan strictly, I was off and on eating meat too, but since we usually cooked together(yeah it was adorable, Deb and Michelle in the apt in Doylestown baking vegan cookies and pizza, etc) so I ate mostly vegan too. Since then, I never did eat tons of meat, usually only in small amounts and mixed in dishes such as lo mien or fried rice. Since I moved to my first very own place in July of 97 I stopped cooking meat at all, I never was fond of handling raw meat. I've had a roommate of sorts for the past few months, who has been vegan for 7 years. Since we spend most of our time together, I've been eating and cooking totally vegan. I always felt guilty eating meat, but it's not easy to stop eating it, it's an addiction. Humans are not born with a taste for meat. I weaned myself off of it with soy-dogs and soy-burgers and other soy fake meat products. Now I don't even crave them. I still eat dairy and eggs, but less often all the time. I can make incredible vegan meals that are as hearty as that nasty dead flesh stuff and way more nutritious. Of course, I'm lazy sometimes and blow my money on other stuff so I try to eat cheap, pasta and spaghetti sauce is eaten probably way to often by me. Sure it's sort of a pain sometimes to be vegan or vegetarian in this society, but it's possible. There's always something you can find on a menu, besides a salad even. A few weeks ago I felt very peaceful and content,(yeah surprised me too) and when I thought about it, I realized it was from my decision to not be responsible for the death and torture of innocent animals. How can christians, or any person on this earth even, consider killing another person the ultimate sin, yet they gorge themselves on dead animals who did nothing to a human. Think about it, how many of you would actually kill that animal to cook it if you couldn't get it at the store. Could you sit there after being lost in a forest(hehe, yeah that's a Cure reference) for weeks even with all the beautiful wildlife existing around you and choose instead of eating the plentiful plants and berries kill that adorable harmless squirrel or bunny? Maybe you could, I've known people who could, in fact I've known people who kill deer and other animals purely for game. Those are the type of people who should be shot. (And I think those people who I see picketing on Rt 18 in East Brunswick should get to do it! hehe) There's even a fucking CD Rom game about hunting where they use actual footage of killing animals!!! That is so fucking sick!!!! What if someone made a video game with live footage of *your* children being shot or molested?? Don't fucking sit and tell me it's different either, because it's not, murder is murder.

January 9, 1998
I've let down someone, a few people, for the first time in my life. I'm usually the one let down. I'm not sure if I like it or not.. I mean, it got some attention, albeit negative attention from the right person... I have always been the one who saves everyone's ass, and hey, I got to fuck up for once. Feels good in a way. Feels bad in a way.

January 7, 1998
Maybe I'm too sensitive? Maybe he should have realized that by now.. if it matters to him that is. I'm too exhausted right this second to care, but maybe I still won't care in the morning. That's how I am lately, I really don't give a fuck. I try to love or desire, but it just doesn't work anymore. I never fought as much with anyone else my whole life. He's close to perfect, and I don't mean that he is flawless, obviously no one is. I mean that he fulfills so much for me, that a little earlier in my life I would have fallen head over heals for him, I just don't feel a lot these days. For anyone, not just him. Does this stop? I'm not sure it can, once you have learned to feel the way I do about people I can't imagine thinking differently, after all, I feel this way from several experiences. Time heals all wounds I guess, but I think each wound takes longer, so it may be too late by the time it's healed anyway. He'll be gone, over some stupid argument, off with some supermodel.